TBD

 Have you ever wondered why you are on Earth and living now?  I'm sure all of us have at one point regardless of what we were taught to believe.   Honestly I've struggled quite a lot about this.

I've looked for purpose in work, in others, and many other ways.  I never found it where I looked.  Honestly, I even looked to God, but didn't really see it there.  Sure God says that we are to worship and honor Him, but how can that really be a reason for me to do anything outside of how we typically think of those things? (IE in a church building)

I've been struggling with depression and honestly I've come to think that its one of my life-long battles that I will have to fight.  Many people likely fight it and/or anxiety at some prolonged point.  At least in one form or another.  I think many can't pinpoint what to call it.

As I've struggled numerous people have told me that nothing will change until I change my mind.  It seems preposterous to think that something so complex and infuriating can come down to a simple choice.  Really the suggestion felt down right insulting.  Kind of like the problem was just "made up".  However, those of us who struggle with mental health frequently truly know, it is anything but "made up".  We may not always be able to pinpoint the reason why its there, but we definitely notice it in some way. 

I had a realization today.  I've been feeling better the past few days. I stopped to try to think what was different.  And quite honestly, I think I've come to realize what those people suggesting to change my mind meant.  It isn't as simple as thinking a different way.  Our thoughts are fickle and often based on our surroundings.  However, it was a change in purpose.  Whether we "know" our purpose or not we still serve one.  Almost every moment in life you choose something.  You choose how to react when someone passes you on the highway, or perhaps they are following too close, or something else.  Perhaps its wondering how to react to someone that waved at you and you have no clue who they are.  Our "purpose" is a large part of how we decide what to do.  I believe that when many are looking for purpose, they are really wanting a meaningful and compelling reason to do something specific.  

I have been looking for a reason to grow in my relationship with God and an answer to why I'm suffering so much with my mental health.  So, as you are thinking I've buried the lead on why I've been feeling better, I come back to say, "nope", we are getting there.  I've been feeling better because I decided it doesn't matter that I'm depressed or even why I'm depressed.  There have been so man good things, and bad things really, that have happened in my life.  The time it would take to tally them all up and see which one is truly bigger is very much not worth it.  Often the bad impacts us more profoundly than the good.  Changing my mind was just as simple as people had put forward, but I had to arrive at that point myself.  No person could help me get there so much as I wanted them to.  I felt powerless to change my mind.  

I'm sure you've probably heard of the "glass half full" vs. "glass half empty" debate/frame of mind.  Well I think a lot of our problems are right in that realm of reality.  How we look at things determines how we behave.  If we expect a bad outcome from something that is what we see.  If we expect something good to come from something that is troubling then we keep looking 'til we find it.  I have simply decided that it is took exhausting to focus on the empty glass.  I "want" to focus on the full glass.  Note that I put "want" in quotes there.  I have trouble nailing the meaning of that word down.  One would think it would simply be an innate desire to do something, but I don't think its that simple.  I think that what we believe we should do plays a factor in it.

All of these words, I want you to see what I'm really trying to say.  People may say that all you need to do is change your mind, but honestly, even when presented with all the right facts to change it, you still feel like you cant?  Just wait.  That's it, just wait.  Given enough time and enough evidence your mind will likely change to what you feel it should be.  Through one means or another.  I honestly can't fully explain how mine changed, but I know it did.

Until next time.

Jeremy