Woops...

Hello everyone.  I have some sad news.  Unfortunately my "fix" that I spoke about in my last post wasn't as ultimate as I had hoped.  I've gone a bit back downhill and am struggling quite a bit with my emotions again.  It does vary, even day to day, but I've been pretty depressed again overall.  

For whatever reason I assumed last time that the state of mind would just persist once I finally found it.  It would seem that, just like pretty much everything else, you have to work to sustain that state of mind.  I suppose that in, and of, itself somewhat depresses me which creates quite the conundrum, but I am still trying.  

I very nearly fully gave up again a few days ago.  I was resolved to leave my parent's home, which is where I've been staying since I couldn't work for several months due to the severity of my depression.  Partially I reached that point due to multiple arguments with my father who for some reason struggles to understand that things can be difficult and that its okay to not press on sometimes.  Somehow he moves on and expects everyone else to be able to do the same.  I think he denies his feelings a lot and that in, and of, itself isn't healthy, but I still have my own major problems to deal with.

Beyond the general depression I've been having a lot less motivation to do the basic tasks I had been able to maintain in spite of my depression.  One of them is actually quite important.  It is taking my medicine.  Right now my mother and I have an arrangement as a stop-gap, but its really just an emergency measure.  She is filling a pill container with my medications because I stopped caring enough to take my medication with preparing it.  

Originally, probably over a year ago now, I was filling my own pill organizer, but it reached the point where I dreaded that so much that I would just pull my pills out as I needed to take them.   A few weeks ago it reached a point where I even dreaded that and stopped taking my meds properly.  After a few days of that, and talking to my therapist, I decided to ask my mom to help me.  However, the current arrangement has an additional issue beyond the fact that its definitely not ideal.  Mom keeps forgetting to refill the container and I don't tell her right away because I really don't want to take my meds.

After a span of a couple of days of not taking meds, today, I have been having some pretty severe anxiety.  Now, I don't think this is wholly due to a lack of medication, but I think the lack of medication has made me more susceptible to it.  This is some of the worst anxiety I've had in quite a while and is actually part of why I'm writing right now.   I've been trying to write for a couple of weeks now, but unable to motivate myself to do so.   But, in an act of desperation, I'm hoping that writing some of this out will alleviate some anxiety.

Beyond the medication situation one very forefront aggravator right now is that my mother works during the day and my disabled father can't trim the edges of the grass in our yard.  Referring back to my previous mentioning of his abnormal levels of determination, he can't seem to grasp that I struggle to do any form of task and especially one that is necessary to prevent other issues.  He and I have had frequent arguments over the fact that I've not been able to motivate myself to help take care of the lawn.  Especially when "all I have to do" is use a mechanical trimmer.  

Some days, even beyond my depression, I have active physical issues, such as profound tiredness, and active psychological issues, like the anxiety today.  To put it a bit into perspective, I've been attempting to trim the yard for over two weeks now and in general its a task that if done end to end likely would only take about three to four hours, probably in under two hours for someone more physically fit and practiced.  Generally I can only do about two hours of physical labor or sometimes less in a span of a day.

Until next time.

JJerHub aka Jeremy