A bit of a strange one...

 I've been wrestling for a while now with my spiritual status.  I've sort of been set to "unknown" for a while.  And while that is still somewhat true, I've made a decision to return to striving for Christ-likeness.  I find it important to note that this isn't out of a "want" or desire that I have.  It is merely a factual decision.  As I put it to one of my counselor's, "I've decided to pursue Christ-likeness again.


It's not something I want, but I'm choosing to do it anyway.  


No idea how long I'll last, how it will look, or how well I'll do, I expect not very well, but I've made the decision."


So, now that I've said that, even more publicly, what does it really mean?  Well, for starters, I've requested a refund for some purchases I had just made for unused items.  I don't quite know what I'll do with the refunded money yet, but I strongly felt I should do that.  You might wonder, "why is he writing this, and why now?", well, if you are, here is your answer.  I'm doing this because of the decision.  Part of that decision means that I will make my desires and actions subservient to God.   Also, as to "why right now", well, I can't sleep yet again.  I was going to read in the Bible, and I did read a few "daily" verses from bible.com, but then I just kept thinking about where I wanted to make this a more true commitment and thus here I am writing this.  For what can be more of a committal than publicly placing a record of a decision generally in perpetuity.  Granted I could technically delete the post after making it and thus it wouldn't be in perpetuity, but that one caveat aside, it works.


So, I mentioned being subservient and you may wonder what this looks like.  Honestly, I suppose I wonder a bit about it myself.  I would say that firstly it means that instead of just going with my "gut" or analysis alone I'll bring those things to God in prayerful conversation and ask what I should do.  Now, honestly, I don't expect an audible answer, but I firmly believe that God speaks in other ways, primarily, for me, through my internal dialogue.


I think that's all I have for now.  Perhaps, if I continue to not be able to sleep I may think of something else pertinent to share, but goodbye for now.

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