Another late night

It just so happens tonight that I'm having trouble sleeping again.   I'm no stranger to trouble sleeping, but tonight is a bit different.  I can't sleep because I'm somewhat exited.  When I was first unable to sleep tonight though, it was a slight bit of happiness, enough that I was actually smiling.  I was happy because I had accomplished something in a video game that I had been trying to do for a couple of days.  Its funny how something so seemingly simple can have such a profound impact.

So, lying awake, I began to think about my present ongoing mental state, as often happens when I can't sleep, or I'm particularly struggling with my mental health issues.  As I'm thinking I'm seeking something to do, and decide to read from my daily Bible reading plan.  I hadn't read in a few days, but I was trying to think of something to do which was relatively calm so that I might be able to easily get to sleep.  I did my reading and I still wasn't very tired.  I happened to think about an email that I had gotten a few days earlier. Now, I'm going to take you backward a little bit.  

You see, last Sunday, I was struggling a little more than usual with my mental health.  So, as often happens when I'm in this type of state on a Sunday, I went to watch Life.Church's Sunday sermon.  After watching the sermon I decided to enter a prayer request and while typing the request I got a bit wordy.  I gave some back-story of my situation and finally made a few relatively specific prayer requests.  Later that day I got a response which included a lovingly written prayer and some links to common mental-health sermons and things from the church.  On that day I didn't really look at the items as most of it seemed like things I've tried looking at before. Fast forward back to tonight.

So, I look at the email I had received on the immediately prior Sunday, and look a little more intently at the links.  Again, it mostly seemed like things I had looked over before.  However, this time I thought a little more about one of the sermon series' titles.  I decided to try to click the link and go to the sermon series to see what it would talk about.  Sadly I found that the link was dead, so it took me to a HTTP 404 error page.  Frustrated I tried searching for the series on Life.Church's website, but there isn't a search feature within their media and I didn't find it after combing through a few "pages" of series'.  Disheartened I was about to give up, but just before I did I came up with an idea.  What if I could "fix" the link?  I could look at a valid link and perhaps piece together what the link should have been. So I open up one of the series' and observe the URL for the series relative the series title, etc.  Following that I look at the other link in the email and see that it follows the same pattern, so I decide to try to substitute the series title in the URL with the one I'm looking for, and voila, I get to where I want to go. 

I begin watching the first sermon in the series and the pastor is giving an overview of what the series will be like.  The first two sermons don't seem all that interesting, but the third and fourth ones have some potential.  I decide to go ahead and watch some more of the first sermon anyway.  After watching for a little bit, I decide my first impression was right, so I move on to the third sermon.  I begin watching it and fairly quickly I start thinking about how it can apply to my situation.  It doesn't apply in the way the pastor suggests it "could" to other people, but it is still applying in some way.  I take down some notes and continue on.  I get quite a bit further into the sermon, and have made quite a few notes and start to see some information forming.  Its not altogether new information, but its still impactful.  I had written the content as below.

do I want to be well with regard to wanting to be dead?
no

However, what am I really upset about that I want to die?
I'm tired of doing stuff and getting nowhere
I'm tired of what I do not making a difference
I'm tired of letting what is necessary take "all" my time

"you cannot change what you are willing to tolerate"

what can you do if you don't want to get better?
are you looking at the right illness?

you have to have the courage to try in spite of the problem. In spite of how hopeless it seems.

So, I had answered a few questions.  And one important thing to note here, is that the "what can you do if you don't want to get better?" thought happened pretty much after "do I want to be well with regard to wanting to be dead?" even though its further down.  Having compiled this information I couldn't quite stop thinking about it, but I still wanted to go to sleep, so I try again.  I get an idea for a "group" that I couldn't get out of my head, so I write it down to move on.  Still can't get to sleep. More thoughts fluttering about.  Ultimately, after even trying the cliché, counting sheep, I still can't sleep.  I get back up and arrive where we are now.  I admit its a bit of an odd ending, but this is where I choose to stop, sortof back at the beginning.

Be well,

Jeremy