Struggling with follow-through

 Hello again.  A few weeks ago, ironically, I decided to try to write two blog entries a day.  As you probably would have noticed by looking at my entries, I didn't follow through on that.  

I really struggle with follow-through in general.  I get a lot of good ideas, and relatively frequently begin working on them.  But very rarely do I ever see an idea through to completion.  The reasons are mixed, but mostly relate to either anxiety or depression.  On writing that I can't help but think...  I wonder how many people struggle profoundly with anxiety or depression, but don't really realize it.  Or at least didn't realize it for a long time.  

Many people seem to have a fear, ironically, that talking about any issues they have with self confidence or frequent concerns may prove them weak.  I believe that it just shows others that the reality is that everyone faces those issues and that most everyone dislikes having to do so.  Many times many of us seek to find commonality, but in mental health we often don't want to find commonality, or at least not that we want others to suffer from poor mental health.  We hope we are the only one with an issue as strong as the one we have, but we still seek that commonality to know that perhaps we can move past our issues.

I am a bit strange when it comes to mental health.  Many people feel alone in their struggle, and are told to seek peer support, but I openly know I'm not alone just from observing people.  I was pretty aware of it even before I was diagnosed, but especially since then.  For me the focus shifts to the "why can't I get over it" part of the process.  I tend to feel alone in that my struggle is something that everyone else struggles with and seemingly continues on in life.  I, however, get stuck.  I encounter the issue and cannot perceive how to overcome it.  

Even after now having been in talk therapy for years and learning of several methods to try to break the cycle I still don't feel like I can effectively deal with the issues.  In thinking about it now I feel that its likely because I know I'm covering up the wound, but the wound is still there.  "Coping" with issues is applying a salve to a wound and hoping it fixes itself.  I'm frequently told that presence of mind is the key and I'm sure it is, but I don't want to ever fail to be present and I'm really not sure that is possible.  Also, part of my struggle is one where I feel I can only accept perfection and anything less that perfection isn't worth attempting.  Which, quite ironically, often causes me to not even try at all.  This need for perfection, I suspect, is probably part of why I don't follow through very often.  I stop because I fear that I won't be able to do "well enough".  This is especially true when the thing I am wanting to do involves other people in some way.  

I often feel that I don't "deserve" to improve myself because I feel so broken.  Its a self repeating cycle.  I can't get better, because I feel like I can't get better.  Did you have to read that one a few times to process it?  Don't worry if you did, it seems quite odd to me as well.  

Part of why I'm afraid to write blog entries is because it would expose how much I struggle, but that is also the very reason I want to write them.  I want people to realize it is okay to speak out about their struggles with their friends and family.  We don't have to hide our issues.  We need to share them so that we can look to our family for understanding through common shared experiences and feelings.  That last bit is especially hard for me many times because I feel like I'm burdening whomever I share it with.  But the reality is that if I never share it, and they feel similarly then neither of us can feel better.  There is a saying, "many hands make light work", this saying is also true of emotional work/issues.  Even if the person we share with doesn't have a way to answer our problems, the act of sharing with someone can, in and of itself, help present a fix.  

When we share information with those we care about we frame it for outside consumption, whether intentionally or unintentionally.  We inherently know from being around those we are close to that they don't think like we do and therefore we need to do some translation from our thoughts so that they can better understand what we are saying.  This act of translation causes us to think about our issues differently.  I have often found, at least part, of a solution when sharing my struggles.  Perspective is very powerful.

So, I suppose, this whole message was just to say.  I want anyone who reads this to help keep me accountable, perhaps not verbally or in written form, but simply to expect me to keep what I want to do in writing two blog entries daily.  I can't promise that I will always get it done, but accountability helps us push through a lot of things we couldn't otherwise overcome.  I believe that we inherently don't want to let others down.

Until next time,

Jeremy